Everyone gets to choose how they live and spend their time, but very few get to choose how they die. But what if you could? I, for one, have always been partial to the last stand death. Just me and a few war-battered buddies standing tall to face the soon-to-be-victorious enemy. But don’t worry, we’re gonna take as many of those bastards with us as we can.
Sorry. I get carried away sometimes.
So I know the last stand isn’t on everyone’s bucket list. But every man has given their own mortality some thought. For me, the first time was when my bicycle bounced out of a pothole and I almost fell headfirst into an oncoming truck. I remember thinking “oh this would be the worst way to die.” Sometime shortly after I vaguely remember sitting down and watching 300.
There are a lot of manlier ways to die than getting knocked off your ten-speed by a Dodge Ram. Like with a Cuban cigar in your mouth and a Cuban woman sitting in your lap. Or telling Princess Leia “I know” before being lowered into carbonite. Or any way that Michelle Rodriguez has died in a movie.
But hey, some guys might not want to think about it. Take my roommate. He spends so much time looking into the microwave while it heats his Hot Pocket, he has become statistically very likely to die from exploding Hot Pocket.
For anyone still pondering death, I compiled a list of some manliest’ ways to kick the can.
- Casualty of battle between Autobots and Decepticons
- Fist fight with a grizzly bear
- Slack-lining over an active volcano
- Last man on earth battling zombies
- Saving women and children from a crashing Zepplin
- Alligator Wrestling Championships
- Eating too much bacon
- Any death from the movie Armageddon
- Riding a nuclear bomb destined for evil forces
- White water kayaking down class 5 rapids in Piranha infested water.
- Hari Kari
- Freak swimsuit judging accident
- Fighting a tiger from atop a hut you made yourself in a rural indian village