Acronyms for Romance: A Guide

If you’re single, sooner or later you’re going to begin texting (or if you’re like, a dinosaur, emailing) a woman you’re romantically interested in. And invariably she’s going to send you a word–probably without vowels–that you just plain don’t know. Is she a cryptologist? Probably not. More than likely, she’s just sent you an acronym you don’t recognize.

Now we know you were too busy hunting or drinking or doing something manly to sit down and learn to teen text speak on Urban Dictionary or wherever, so we won’t hold your ignorance against you. In fact (we may applaud it.)

But to help we’ve made a handy list you can refer to anytime you need help communicating with that “foxy” lady in your life.

  • WTF! – either you said something totally off-color or something has gone wrong. Either way, your woman is upset and you need to fix it before she tacks on another exclamation point.
  • WTF? – this is slightly less concerning than the first, but you still have some explainin’ to do.
  • LOL – you may have said something funny.
  • LMAO – you probably said something funny.
  • LMFAO – you definitely said something funny.
  • ROFLMFAO – you need to call a hospital.
  • lol – false alarm – she’s simply using this in place of punctuation.
  • BRB – she’ll get back to you in a few days.
  • BBL – she’ll get back to you in a few weeks.
  • TTFN – you’ve just been friendzoned.
  • NSFW – take your phone into the bathroom before opening that attachment.
  • FYI – anything that follows this is going to be very sarcastic.
  • BTW – same as FYI.
  • OMG – “oh dear!”
  • ILY – stage 5 clinger
  • oh, em, gee – you’re dating a sorority girl.
  • DGAF – you’re dating a sassy sorority girl
  • YOLO- You’re manhood is being questioned- go out.
  • OMGWTFBBQ – you’re using too many acronyms. She’s making fun of you.
Don't feel too bad, Awkward penguin doesn't know the ladies lingo either.
Don’t feel too bad, Awkward penguin doesn’t know the ladies lingo either.

How to Spend the Rest of your Tax Day

You did it! You successfully navigated some of the most complicated and convoluted tax laws on the planet. So what’s next?

It starts at the office

Let’s be honest, it’s not like you spent the day actually working. Between double checking all of your numbers, the letter from your tax guy, and meticulously filling in checks, you accomplished zippo all day. So why break that streak after you drop off the check at the post office on your lunch break?

I say let it ride. Slack off. Sneak some whisky from that flask you keep for special occasions. But whatever you do, don’t work. You just wrote a check for an ungodly amount of money to a system you’re not sure you trust or even like all that much. So kick your feet up on the desk and play some Angry Birds on your phone. And if the boss man asks you what the hell you’re doing, just hit him with the classic Tax Day Shrug: 

Head for the nearest bar

Just because you spent all day trying to get three stars on all the levels of Angry Birds Star Wars doesn’t mean you aren’t stressed out. If you’re not stressed consider these fun tax day facts:

  • It’s entirely possible to pay twice the value of your home in property tax alone over 50 years.
  • That rich jerk you went to high school with probably has a lower tax rate than you.
  • The company that rich jerk owns probably pays no taxes whatsoever.

So as I was saying…alcohol.

Bars around the country are going to filled with millions of other men drinking away the pain of cutting Uncle Sam a big fat check. And if your bar is really hip, they probably have a special drink to celebrate the occasion.  Something like “the Taxman Drinketh” or the “Death and Taxes shot” or something, I don’t know I’m not a bartender.

Use those taxes

If you don’t feel like drinking yourself into oblivion, we understand. After all, it is still a Monday. Instead, spend the rest of the day really getting the most out of those taxes by using all those services your tax dollars pay for.

  • Drive on a road.  
  • Take out your trash.
  • Invade a foreign country.
  • Stop at a stoplight.
  • Bail out a few billion dollar banks.
  • Visit a library.
  • Drink some high fructose corn syrup.

And take solace in the fact that during the first French Revolution, the tax collectors were some of the first to lose their heads.

 

Men with Moxie – Not Just a Crappy Soda Anymore

Pluck. Spunk. Grit. Cheek. Moxie.

Some men have it; some men don’t. Others–a rare few–have moxie by the truckload.  But most men just don’t know what it is.

mox·ie noun Slang.

1.vigor; verve; pep.
2.courage and aggressiveness; nerve.
3.skill; know-how.

Now you know what it means, but the best part is where it came from. Back in the late 1800s, when other soft drinks were experimenting with cocaine and rampant patent infringement, one drink stood alone. Moxie Nerve Food couldn’t worry itself with petty scrabbles over delicious sodas. Because they were proudly and unknowingly making the most repulsive soda known to man.

Adding soda water to his snake oil solution, “Doctor” Augistin Thompson proclaimed his beverage increased vigor and pep. The general populace responded with a common joke that one would need vigor and pep to drink the stuff. Oh, memes back in the day were so biting.

moxie

What did it taste like? Well considering I can actually use a computer, you can guess I’m not old enough to have tried it. But from what I’ve pieced together from the geezers I talked to, it tasted like sarsaparilla mixed with brake fluid. (For the truly curious, why not try a good taste of the past?)

And yet there were some chaps out there who thought Moxie was the bees knees. And it is to them we tip our hats today.

We tip our hats to the men who hoisted up their knickers, loaded their rifles, and brought us back-to-back wins in world wars. The men who ate their lunch on skyscraper beams because apparently the fear of heights hadn’t been invented yet.

We’ll be bringing you weekly stories about these men, the men who built our great cities and killed a whole bunch of buffalo. Because those men had moxie, and maybe some of it will rub off on you.

Man Crates’ Spring Cleaning Guide – Putting the “pro” in Procrastinate

Spring cleaning is upon us once again, gentlemen. And unless you’re a groundskeeper or a farmer (which many of you probably are), it’s likely not your favorite time of year. So why not procrastinate a bit longer and read our handy Spring Cleaning Guide?

Step One – Procrastinate

We must say, we’re proud of you. You’re already ahead of the curve, as you’re on the internet procrastinating instead of cleaning out the rain gutters. Nevermind the fact that the last rainstorm damn near flooded your basement because the torrents of water weren’t properly channeled into a clean rain gutter–wet leaves are gross anyway. So don’t feel the need to leave, Man Crates is a safe place.

Step Two – Make a List of Excuses

Sure, I know Step Two is just a subset of Step One, but keep in mind, I’m still on Step One and I’m kinda milking it.

The important thing here is to be organized. Someone, be it a wife, roommate, or girlfriend is going to assault you pretty soon here and if you aren’t prepared, you’re in serious trouble. So make an itemized list of all the reasons why you can’t rake off that weird crust that developed on the lawn over the winter.

Here’s an excellent example:

ManCratesApproved

“Honey I need you to clean up the yard and all you’re doing is lying on the couch watching ESPN Classic.”

“My dear, it should be clear I’m merely adjusting my back. I have an important racquetball game with Ron in accounting tomorrow, and if he wins he gets my parking spot.”

That interaction? Man Crates Approved.

Step Three – Make a Real List

Eventually all good things come to an end, and your wife is bound to figure out that you would never play racquetball with Ron in accounting because that guy is a major tool. So you’d better get your plan in order.

You’re probably pretty good at making lists by now so I trust you can lay out which things you need to do first. Like putting out the hammock. And then stress-testing the hammock. Be sure not to shirk on this one–safety is paramount. Then of course you’ll need to take down the Christmas lights because that old batty woman next door keeps sneering at them. And because it’s like, April.

Remember not to rush this list. Step One is never really over when you’re spring cleaning.

Step Four – Feel Accomplished

Let’s be honest, Spring Cleaning is a bit of a joke. It’s more like “work relatively hard for a few hours on a warm Saturday so you can justify neglecting the yard for another month.” But don’t let that stop you from taking a serious load off around 4:30 in the afternoon. Drink a beer on the half-assembled yard furniture. Why not make it three? You could grill a burger…but you’re tired; and more importantly, the grill is still crammed deep in the recesses of the shed.

So just dial up Domino’s. You’ve earned it gents.

Top 5 Manly Skills To Know This Holiday Season

Society’s characterization of ‘being a man’ has transformed over the centuries. In today’s modern world, there are many things our father’s (father) would’ve known how to do that the contemporary man in this tech-enabled age has since forgotten.

But with each coming year, the holiday season arrives and reminds us that the basics haven’t changed—and to that end; you should never stop being a man. To survive the season with your manliness intact, here are the 5 basic skills every man should possess.

If you don’t have these skills in your arsenal, you’d better get cracking. Because as GI Joe has taught us, knowing half the battle.

1. Make a holiday toast
Toasting isn’t easy, but every man should be endowed with the verbal skills to charm an
audience. An elderly Hungarian priest once captured the essence of a good toast in one simple phrase ‘a good toast should be like a mini-skirt, just long enough to cover the essentials, but short enough to remain interesting.’

2. Carve a Bird like a boss.
It’s holiday mealtime and your knife is poised to begin- will you look at the beautiful bronzed bird and weakly whisper, “Please do not let me maul this beast.” Or will you rise to the occasion and assert your manhood as you deconstruct the bird FTW.
The manliest of men are the ones who carve the turkey; it’s a timeless tradition and a job usually left to grandpas and dads. So grab your knife and cutting board, and step up to the plate.
Here’s how: http://chicken-recipes.wonderhowto.com/how-to/howto-carve-turkey-infographic-way-0122436/

3. Chop down a Christmas Tree
Chopping down your own tree is easily the manliest thing a real man can do to test his mettle at this festive time of the year. But before you get into the holiday spirit by felling your own pine, you must
know your escape path and when the tree starts to fall, use it. Here is what not to do…
http://www.urlesque.com/2010/01/13/tree-removal-fails/

4. Talk football.
The holidays mark the ‘beginning of the end’ of both the college and NFL seasons. And there’s no simpler way to say it: every man needs to be able to talk football. Whether your living room turns into a Pentagon War Room every weekend or you haven’t watched football since you caught a scene from Varsity Blues on TBS a few years back, now’s the time of year where you at least need to get some basics down. If you’re watching college football, the story this year is Notre Dame in the National Championship game. Fighting Irish fans think it’s well-deserved; most everyone else thinks they caught some generous breaks. Know your audience, choose a side, and debate vociferously.

5. Open a bottle of Champagne
I know what you’re thinking — it’s the holidays and we should be talking manly drinks, isn’t this a clear cider, rum & eggnog time? Or perhaps for the adventurous man with an international flair — a glögg occasion? Well, yes — and as a sidenote, if your drink has an umlaut in its name, you’re doing it right. So why champagne? Well, it lends itself well to celebratory environments so you’ll likely find yourself around it more than a few times this holiday season. Nearly every champagne bottle arrives with someone asking for help opening it. To open properly; remove the foil, check for wire, hold the neck of the champagne bottle and slowly begin to loosen the cork by twisting the bottle. You must hold onto the cork the entire time so it doesn’t come flying out and hit your fiancé’s great aunt in the eye. As you allow the cork to slowly ease out of the bottle, you will hear a gentle “sigh” rather than a “pop”. While a refined technique, there is a more manly alternative: use a sword http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ye28n_aJspA “