Lots of people celebrate May the Fourth–whether it’s by simply greeting people with “May the fourth be with you” or showing up to work in a full wookie costume. This year I decided to celebrate May 4th in the most sacred way possible; a six-movie Star Wars marathon with a fellow nerd, Trent.
Let’s just say the rest of this post is a cautionary tale. WARNING: SPOILER ALERTS.
Trent and I figured that all six films run a little over 13 hours, so if we started at 7, that gave us plenty of breathing room to take occasional breaks. We planned with snacks, drinks, and as the light grew thin, booze.
7 a.m. – sleeping
8 a.m. – still sleeping
8:30 a.m. – panicked call from Trent, “DUDE WE SLEPT IN”
8:45 a.m. – marathon actually starts
9 a.m. – disappointment starts as the fact we’re watching a prequel truly sets in
10 a.m. – Trent googles the actor who played Anakin in Episode I (Jake Lloyd). We find out that not only does he currently look like this, but he’s also a bit of a jerk.
10:30 a.m. – discover Lloyd was in The Pretender. Geek out about how awesome that show was.
10:35 a.m. – all speaking stops because freaking Darth Maul is fighting TWO GUYS AT THE SAME TIME.
10:42 a.m. – Darth Maul is dead. Nothing interesting anymore.
11:05 a.m. – snack break
11:15 a.m. – Episode II starts. Panic sets in as we realize we still have five films left and it’s nearly noon.
11:30 a.m. – Hayden Christensen makes his first appearance on screen.
11:31 a.m. – drinking starts
11:35 a.m. – Trent and I organize a bad acting drinking game
12:15 p.m. – our Star Wars beers run out
12:20 p.m. – pause movie to call girlfriends for a beer run. Both of our ladies must have been super busy because our calls go unanswered. They knew how we were spending our day.
1:40 p.m. – after crying through much of the rest of Episode II (including the Anakin/Padme love story that drags on for like four hours WTT?) we finally pop in Episode III.
2 p.m. – by this time we are both admittedly running out of steam, and more than a little buzzed. Trent tells me he’s getting tired of this, so I ask him what Han Solo would do.
2:01 p.m. – lengthy discussion of how badly Han Solo could beat up Hayden Christensen.
2:15 p.m. – Anakin just chopped some guy’s head off. Stellar.
2:30 p.m. – at this point Trent points out that Jedi would be wise to follow the Harry Potter model. That is, keeping young Jedi in school until they’re actually adults. Seriously, you combine a laser sword and untold psychokinesis with teenage angst and expect these guys NOT to lose it occasionally?
3:12 p.m. – General Grievous, easily the coolest prequel character shows up, to many (read: two) drunken cheers.
3:25 p.m. – inspired by the great General, I head to my liquor cabinet to make some top shelf Star Wars cocktail. In my state, orange Kool-Aid and Patrón sounds like a great idea.
3:30 p.m. – orange lightsabers are a hit at the party.
6:00 p.m. – in a panicked stupor, I wake up with the DVD menu of Episode III playing over and over in the background.
7 p.m. – even the prospect of watching A New Hope can’t give us a second wind. We watch most of the film in stubborn silence.
9 p.m. – it’s dark and we’re both sober and tired. Trent looks at me meaningfully and says, “I don’t care what you say, I’m leaving. This is stupid.”
Needless to say, I didn’t finish our marathon. Perhaps one should not mix prequels and originals for the same reason you don’t mix wine and beer. Or perhaps Star Wars marathons are for men greater than us. Whatever the reason is, I could not finish my May the Fourth marathon.
Next year I think I’ll just buy an R2D2 keychain or something.