So You Forgot Mother’s Day…

You forgot Mother’s Day. It’s not like we warned you, right? Oh wait, yeah we did. Whatever, what’s done is done. Doubtlessly you fumbled your way through some pitiful excuse involving a car wreck and a hurt dog…but the damage is already done.

Can you make your way back to Golden Child status? Probably not. But you may be able to get her to start looking you in the eyes again at family functions.

Step 1 – Mend Fences

Remember that fence you blew up with your model rocket all those years ago? Well now would be a great time to actually fix it. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s time to move out of the basement. I know, I know, you’re only 27, but still… At this point, you moving out could be the best belated Mother’s Day gift a mother could ask for.

You were a much better son when you were a kid

Step 2 – Keep The Pressure On

Sick of your brother Dan stealing the spotlight with his shiny BMW and pretty blonde wife? Well now is the time to shine.  Why not turn this Mother’s Day debacle into something positive? Make it Monday brunch. Or Tuesday; since you’re probably busy Monday.  The important thing to remember is that the crowds will be gone and you can really get down to business–how you’re still a great son.

Don’t forget to bring a spectacular Mother’s Day gift that you can calmly explain you didn’t want her to open in front of everyone. What kind of gift? We don’t know – that’s where you’ve gotta do some of the legwork.  Now if you’re talking Father’s Day gifts… then we may have one or two epic man gifts for dad.

Step 3 – Finish the Fight

Don’t let up yet, though. Go BIG. Bring a puppy (or a kitten, I don’t know your mom) to breakfast with an oversized bow around its neck. Buy her a car. If the gesture is grandiose enough, she’ll stop wondering why you forgot Mother’s Day and start wondering why her other son Dan is such an relentless failure.

And you’ll be free to forget Mother’s Day for another few years.

Mother’s Day Gift Shopping for Dummies by Dummies

Oh, just Man Crates here, trying to keep you out of the dog house. Seriously though, what are you doing, you silly man/noob? Go out and buy a Mother’s Day gift!

No? Just gonna keep reading then, eh?

Oh c’mon. Mother’s Day is coming up. Like SUPER soon. May 12th. And you and I both know you’re going to wait until the last minute and then just buy something stupid at a 24-hour pharmacy. Oh, and then, you’re going to find the perfect gift online, but it’s going to be way too late, unless you want to spend like a million dollars on shipping.

And no, this is not an okay alternative to getting her a gift.

But you’re still here, reading a blog post instead of buying a Mother’s Day gift. So here’s my surefire way to find a great gift for your mom.

  1. Make sure you didn’t already buy her a gift. Ha ha who am I kidding even Voldemort never planned that far ahead. 
  2. Figure out what your mom likes. If you don’t buy her a good gift, you can probably cross yourself off that list.
  3. Check your finances. Oooo…probably shouldn’t have splurged on those concert tickets. Oh well, that $13 in your wallet helps narrow down gift options.
  4. Google “mother’s day gift ideas” (we did it for you). Realize all of those results are useless.
  5. Call your Dad.
  6. Buy whatever he says to buy.
  7. Buy her something.

But wait! Are you “dad”? Don’t worry, I’ve got tips for you too.

  1. Don’t stress out! You can potentially get away with flowers and a card. Lucky! (But seriously, don’t try to pull that crap on her birthday. You’ll probably get thrown down the stairs.)
  2. When the kids call, just advise them to buy things you’ve been neglecting to buy your wife since Christmas. Like a new step ladder so she’ll stop bugging you to change the lightbulbs.
  3. Drink a beer; you are a passable adult.
Get it? Step-ladder?

Acronyms for Romance: A Guide

If you’re single, sooner or later you’re going to begin texting (or if you’re like, a dinosaur, emailing) a woman you’re romantically interested in. And invariably she’s going to send you a word–probably without vowels–that you just plain don’t know. Is she a cryptologist? Probably not. More than likely, she’s just sent you an acronym you don’t recognize.

Now we know you were too busy hunting or drinking or doing something manly to sit down and learn to teen text speak on Urban Dictionary or wherever, so we won’t hold your ignorance against you. In fact (we may applaud it.)

But to help we’ve made a handy list you can refer to anytime you need help communicating with that “foxy” lady in your life.

  • WTF! – either you said something totally off-color or something has gone wrong. Either way, your woman is upset and you need to fix it before she tacks on another exclamation point.
  • WTF? – this is slightly less concerning than the first, but you still have some explainin’ to do.
  • LOL – you may have said something funny.
  • LMAO – you probably said something funny.
  • LMFAO – you definitely said something funny.
  • ROFLMFAO – you need to call a hospital.
  • lol – false alarm – she’s simply using this in place of punctuation.
  • BRB – she’ll get back to you in a few days.
  • BBL – she’ll get back to you in a few weeks.
  • TTFN – you’ve just been friendzoned.
  • NSFW – take your phone into the bathroom before opening that attachment.
  • FYI – anything that follows this is going to be very sarcastic.
  • BTW – same as FYI.
  • OMG – “oh dear!”
  • ILY – stage 5 clinger
  • oh, em, gee – you’re dating a sorority girl.
  • DGAF – you’re dating a sassy sorority girl
  • YOLO- You’re manhood is being questioned- go out.
  • OMGWTFBBQ – you’re using too many acronyms. She’s making fun of you.
Don't feel too bad, Awkward penguin doesn't know the ladies lingo either.
Don’t feel too bad, Awkward penguin doesn’t know the ladies lingo either.