Valentines Day is Hard–Fake Girlfriends are Easy

Everyone’s had a Fake Girlfriend

When I began dating my second girlfriend, I faced some serious inadequacy issues. She had a slew of ex-boyfriends, all of whom sounded much cooler than me. One of them even had a bullet bike for god’s sake. And what did I have? 

Just one ex who didn’t even own a car.

But of course I couldn’t tell my lady that and risk coming across as vanilla. So I lied, and lied hard. I made up a veritable cavalcade of ex-girlfriends, all of whom had names, back stories, and sweet rides.

Because that’s what us men do when faced with inadequacy; we’ll never admit it because it’s none of your dammed business.

No one knows this better than my man Manti Te’o. One of the most decorated collegiate athletes of all time can’t get a woman? That couldn’t stand, and Te’o knew it. So he did what any self-respecting man would do and lied–hard.

Manti Te'o Meme

Real Girlfriends are Tough

Girlfriends are not only difficult to acquire, they’re expensive to maintain. So, in most cases, it’s far easier to craft a manic and impossibly complex falsehood so everyone knows that you’re still virile. And at this late date, there’s no way any single guy is going to snag a real girlfriend before V-Day.

Unless that is, if she is, you know, less than real.

But you must remember–if you’re going to lie, lie hard. Why have a fake girlfriend who just sends you a card that looks suspiciously as if you wrote it left-handed? That girlfriend sucks. Instead, why not make your fake girlfriend (name tip: Chelsea is always  a safe bet) so cool that she got you your very own Man Crate for V-Day?

Your boss’ wife may be able to melt a polar ice cap, but he won’t be able to pull his eyes away from the glorious crate atop your desk. Because you have a fake girlfriend who loves you and everyone should know it.

It’s easy to follow in the footsteps of collegiate football great Manti Te’o. Make up a girlfriend. Make her hot, cool, funny, and, if you need to win a Heisman, tragic. But most importantly, make sure she takes care of you on Valentine’s Day. 

Man Crates is Here to Help – The Manti Te’o Program

Just like Goose and Maverick, when you’re rolling with Man Crates, no girlfriend = no problem.  We’ve even designed a custom program to make the whole “fake girlfriend” story a bit more believable.  Here’s how it works:

  • Step 1:  Buy a Man Crate for yourself.  Or for a buddy who’s sans female counterpart.
  • Step 2:  Write “Manti Te’o” in gift note section.
  • Step 3:  Man Crates will hook you (or that “guy you know”) up with a custom, hand-written love note from a secret admirer named Chelsea (naturally).
  • Step 4:  You and your beloved Chelsea live happily ever after – that is, until someone rats you out to Dr. Phil.  An no, that person will never be Man Crates.  We got your back.

Get to it!

Look at this nark!
Look at this nark! Totally not cool bro.

 

Top 5 Manly Skills To Know This Holiday Season

Society’s characterization of ‘being a man’ has transformed over the centuries. In today’s modern world, there are many things our father’s (father) would’ve known how to do that the contemporary man in this tech-enabled age has since forgotten.

But with each coming year, the holiday season arrives and reminds us that the basics haven’t changed—and to that end; you should never stop being a man. To survive the season with your manliness intact, here are the 5 basic skills every man should possess.

If you don’t have these skills in your arsenal, you’d better get cracking. Because as GI Joe has taught us, knowing half the battle.

1. Make a holiday toast
Toasting isn’t easy, but every man should be endowed with the verbal skills to charm an
audience. An elderly Hungarian priest once captured the essence of a good toast in one simple phrase ‘a good toast should be like a mini-skirt, just long enough to cover the essentials, but short enough to remain interesting.’

2. Carve a Bird like a boss.
It’s holiday mealtime and your knife is poised to begin- will you look at the beautiful bronzed bird and weakly whisper, “Please do not let me maul this beast.” Or will you rise to the occasion and assert your manhood as you deconstruct the bird FTW.
The manliest of men are the ones who carve the turkey; it’s a timeless tradition and a job usually left to grandpas and dads. So grab your knife and cutting board, and step up to the plate.
Here’s how: http://chicken-recipes.wonderhowto.com/how-to/howto-carve-turkey-infographic-way-0122436/

3. Chop down a Christmas Tree
Chopping down your own tree is easily the manliest thing a real man can do to test his mettle at this festive time of the year. But before you get into the holiday spirit by felling your own pine, you must
know your escape path and when the tree starts to fall, use it. Here is what not to do…
http://www.urlesque.com/2010/01/13/tree-removal-fails/

4. Talk football.
The holidays mark the ‘beginning of the end’ of both the college and NFL seasons. And there’s no simpler way to say it: every man needs to be able to talk football. Whether your living room turns into a Pentagon War Room every weekend or you haven’t watched football since you caught a scene from Varsity Blues on TBS a few years back, now’s the time of year where you at least need to get some basics down. If you’re watching college football, the story this year is Notre Dame in the National Championship game. Fighting Irish fans think it’s well-deserved; most everyone else thinks they caught some generous breaks. Know your audience, choose a side, and debate vociferously.

5. Open a bottle of Champagne
I know what you’re thinking — it’s the holidays and we should be talking manly drinks, isn’t this a clear cider, rum & eggnog time? Or perhaps for the adventurous man with an international flair — a glögg occasion? Well, yes — and as a sidenote, if your drink has an umlaut in its name, you’re doing it right. So why champagne? Well, it lends itself well to celebratory environments so you’ll likely find yourself around it more than a few times this holiday season. Nearly every champagne bottle arrives with someone asking for help opening it. To open properly; remove the foil, check for wire, hold the neck of the champagne bottle and slowly begin to loosen the cork by twisting the bottle. You must hold onto the cork the entire time so it doesn’t come flying out and hit your fiancé’s great aunt in the eye. As you allow the cork to slowly ease out of the bottle, you will hear a gentle “sigh” rather than a “pop”. While a refined technique, there is a more manly alternative: use a sword http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ye28n_aJspA “

Holiday Traditions

Fezziwig's Warehouse Ball

Bear with me on this- we’re going to hit family Christmas traditions, Dickens, Warehouse Parties, and one of the best Christmas gifts I’ve ever seen.

Mom Owns Christmas

Mom owned Christmas at our house growing up.  There were four of us- intensely competitive, bickering brothers,  but we knew not to mess with Mom during Christmas.  If the holiday music was playing there was an unspoken truce, and no talking back to Mom.

In what some might consider an abuse of this seasonal respite Mom established many a Christmas Tradition, with the most notorious being a full reading of Dicken’s Christmas Carol around the tree on Christmas Eve.   There would always be hot chocolate, a lit tree, and depending on where we lived each year a fire in the fireplace- pure Normal Rockwell for two hours of reading.

This went on for years, to the point where we could recite whole passages of Dicken’s original work.  It became tedious, but none of the brothers could break the Christmas truce.

A Welcome Interloper

When the eldest brother married and brought his new wife home for her first Christmas with the family she was eager to participate in the family traditions.  A few years of the same.  As the cherished daughter that Mom never had, the daughter-in-law finally realized that she was the only one exempt from the Christmas truce, and our only chance.

Finally we assembled one Christmas eve to find the daughter-in-law had made a short stack of gifts for every family member.  At the top was Dicken’s Christmas Carol- the Abridged and Illustrated version.  Then there was Dicken’s Christmas Carol- Cliff’s Notes.  Then there was Dicken’s Christmas Carol- the one page executive summary.  Then there was Dicken’s Christmas Carol- the bumper sticker version, which she had written herself.

Marley was dead.  Scrooge kept Christmas.  God bless us, every one.

In a brilliant win-win, she’d gracefully preserved Mom’s tradition and freed an extra hour of everyone’s Christmas eve for the other traditions, like unwrapping presents early.

Warehouse Parties?

The bumper sticker version leaves out Fezziwig’s Warehouse party, which if you’ve read the book or watched the muppet version, you know is epic.  Team Man Crates first Christmas Tradition, in the spirit of Dickens, the holiday season, and wonderful Moms, was an epic warehouse party- I told you we’d make it back.

Whatever your Holiday Traditions- we wish you safe travels and good times with your friends and loved ones.

Merry Christmas, from Team Man Crates.

Man Crates Christmas

 

Outside the box: Opening a Man Crate.

 

Czar Jordan
It’s good to be the Czar.

There are several perks that come with being the Deputy Communications Czar for Man Crates:

  • The glory of working alongside the rest of the team to reclaim manly gift giving
  • Newfound respect from living creatures near me
  • 15% increase in beard growth
  • A complimentary man crate

 

Recently I got to experience the last of that list. The process was awesome from beginning to end, and I’m here to tell you about it. After my research on the subject I’ve concluded that the unboxing process of a Man Crate happens in stages.

 

Receipt

The first stage came when my crate got here. I had known of its impending arrival, and all week, I could feel the air around me collect extra static electricity as if nature itself was buzzing with excitement. Nestled inside a cardboard box with an eager crowbar waiting on top was the rough wooden crate itself.

The card on top reads “If at first you don’t succeed, pry and pry again.” This was equal parts instructional riddle and taunt.

Opening

The second and arguably most rewarding stage in getting a Man Crate is opening the thing. When I picked up the crowbar, what I was doing felt right. It was liberating, as if years of gifts in shiny wrapping paper or shrink wrap was finally coming to an end. I was free, and that liberation let me get to work.

Opening the crate was just as much fun as exploring its contents later. It wasn’t easy, and it shouldn’t have been. I spent some time fitting the crow bar into the seam between lid and crate body, and pried like mad. After a while, I managed to have a single small gap in which I could get the right leverage, and as if expecting me, the crate resisted no longer.

 

Pictured: Victory

 

Unboxing

From the moment I could see inside the crate I felt again that this was right somehow. There wasn’t a single piece of pastel colored tissue paper and not one shred of basket grass. Packed in plain brown paper and expertly placed in the box was its contents.

Cue angelic choir accompanied by electric guitar.

I had been asked what kind of crate I wanted but I had been indecisive. I couldn’t choose between the Whiskey Lover’s Crate, and the Zombie Survival Crate. They apparently took this as a challenge and gave me a bit of both. This served two purposes: first to put on a grin that didn’t fade for the rest of the night, and the more practical purpose of giving me a variety of stuff to talk about in this blog post.

The Non-Edibles

The first thing I saw was the Zombie Survival Guide. I’d read it before when I’d found it at the local library, but having my own copy made me feel much more ready about a hypothetical zombie apocalypse scenario. Also in the crate was the Gator Machete Junior from Gerber. That too would be added into my “In Case of Zombies Break Glass” case.

Included from the Whiskey lover’s crate were a pair of laser-etched whiskey glasses and a stainless steel flask. The flask had been wrapped in paper with the words “Hail to the Czar” written on it. The friendly touch made me smile even more. The laser etchings on the glasses and flask look brilliant. It adds a custom touch to an already fine set of gear. When the zombies are taken care of, I can sit back and have an extra-classy sip of whiskey from these puppies.

The Edibles

Food for the omnomnomnivore

Like I said before, the crate looked like a team of expert Tetris players had fit each item in the most perfect way possible. No crackers were crushed, no glass was broken, it all looked pristine, and delicious. The Jerky was the first thing I noticed, and designated it as TBD (that’s To Be Devoured). The brands I got were new to me, but they were both great. I know I’m definitely a fan of Sweet Chipotle Krave Jerky.

Enjoyment

For the rest of the night, I enjoyed the contents of my crate. I had a nice drink from one of the glasses, read a bit of the Zombie Survival Guide, and ate some jerky. It was very relaxing and an experience I will never forget.

 

Let Them Flug!

#LetThemFlug

@RedBull #LetThemFlug!

The RedBull Flugtag came to San Francisco last weekend.  It’s a terrific event, Redbull does a fantastic job, and the winners this year worked hard and deserved their title. We’re just saying we would have liked a chance to compete.

There’s a competitive registration process which happens months before the actual event.  You might say ‘well you should have registered.’  That’s procrastination discrimination.  Seriously.

Just let me Flug, breh.

While we weren’t able to jump, we did revel in the spirit of flight with other Flugtag attendees, pose for tons of pictures (more on our Facebook page), and exercise our constitutional right to make posters and assemble peacefully-ish.

We’ll be back next time. Give us a shout if you saw us there.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YcMaiP7JanM[/youtube]

 

Love at First Snipe

I am Jordan Johnson, the new Deputy Communications Czar (DCC) for Man Crates. This month, we here at Man Crates are giving our contribution to a culture devoted to ass-kicking, domination, and furious button pushing. I am speaking of course, of the new Pro Gamer crate.

I am a gamer. I have been destroying competition and burning through single-player campaigns since I was old enough to stomp minions and rescue princesses that are always in other castles. I have devoted much of my life to the warrior’s code that is being a gamer, and this last month has been dominated by a single title: Borderlands 2.

While I enjoy hopping into the occasional multiplayer server and inciting colorful vocabulary from children across the globe, to me the ideal game experience is sitting down with a couple friends, and throwing legendary amounts of lead and explosives at hordes of foes. A game that provides an interesting challenge, a healthy dose of humor and almost more guns than we know what to do with, Borderlands 2 jumped straight to the top of my most played list this fall. I’ve bought the season pass, thereby assuring myself a constant stream of hilarity, action, and fun for my friends and I for time yet to come. Besides, the fiance (That’s right, ladies, I’m taken.) loves the game as well, and any game where we get to dominate together is a win-win.

I know there’s the whole stereotype of gaming with your lady being a hassle, but I think Borderlands 2 is a great way to spend time with her. Any co-op game is great for couples as far as I’m concerned. As we run through countless battles with hundreds of enemies, we become an unstoppable team. Also she’s a terrifying sniper who could give Simo Häyhä a run for his money. When I’m sneaking up on a psycho while he’s reciting my favorite Hamlet soliloquy, more often then not, I hear her whisper “Pew!” before the guy’s head explodes in a gratifying display of pixilated gore.

Borderlands 2 Headshot
It was love at first snipe.

As I stand over the corpse of the nameless NPC, I always look over at her proud grin and think the same thing: “That is hot.”

 

 

For now, this is Deputy Communications Czar signing off. May you all gain glory in the games of your choosing.

New Barware Crate Photos – Can you guess the location?

Last week we shot some new photos of one of our most popular crates, the Personalized Barware crate. We could not think of a better place to go. A local favorite but equally known around the world. Check out the photos below and let us know if you can guess 1. the location and 2. why it is one of the most famous bars in the world.

Man Crates Home Delivery

When we launched our Gerber Zombie Survival crates last month, our very first order came to us from a local group of friends in SF (known as the Thunderbirds). A fellow Thunderbird had broken his leg in the Tough Mudder run and was now feeling more like a pigeon.

The Thunderbirds contacted us and asked if we could do something special with this care package. Make-up, costumes and a short drive. Easy.

Check out the video below to see how it all went down.  Also check out our Gerber Zombie Survival Gifts here.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=if0aieRo8og&feature=plcp[/youtube]