Everyone’s had a Fake Girlfriend
When I began dating my second girlfriend, I faced some serious inadequacy issues. She had a slew of ex-boyfriends, all of whom sounded much cooler than me. One of them even had a bullet bike for god’s sake. And what did I have?
Just one ex who didn’t even own a car.
But of course I couldn’t tell my lady that and risk coming across as vanilla. So I lied, and lied hard. I made up a veritable cavalcade of ex-girlfriends, all of whom had names, back stories, and sweet rides.
Because that’s what us men do when faced with inadequacy; we’ll never admit it because it’s none of your dammed business.
No one knows this better than my man Manti Te’o. One of the most decorated collegiate athletes of all time can’t get a woman? That couldn’t stand, and Te’o knew it. So he did what any self-respecting man would do and lied–hard.
Real Girlfriends are Tough
Girlfriends are not only difficult to acquire, they’re expensive to maintain. So, in most cases, it’s far easier to craft a manic and impossibly complex falsehood so everyone knows that you’re still virile. And at this late date, there’s no way any single guy is going to snag a real girlfriend before V-Day.
Unless that is, if she is, you know, less than real.
But you must remember–if you’re going to lie, lie hard. Why have a fake girlfriend who just sends you a card that looks suspiciously as if you wrote it left-handed? That girlfriend sucks. Instead, why not make your fake girlfriend (name tip: Chelsea is always a safe bet) so cool that she got you your very own Man Crate for V-Day?
Your boss’ wife may be able to melt a polar ice cap, but he won’t be able to pull his eyes away from the glorious crate atop your desk. Because you have a fake girlfriend who loves you and everyone should know it.
It’s easy to follow in the footsteps of collegiate football great Manti Te’o. Make up a girlfriend. Make her hot, cool, funny, and, if you need to win a Heisman, tragic. But most importantly, make sure she takes care of you on Valentine’s Day.
Man Crates is Here to Help – The Manti Te’o Program
Just like Goose and Maverick, when you’re rolling with Man Crates, no girlfriend = no problem. We’ve even designed a custom program to make the whole “fake girlfriend” story a bit more believable. Here’s how it works:
- Step 1: Buy a Man Crate for yourself. Or for a buddy who’s sans female counterpart.
- Step 2: Write “Manti Te’o” in gift note section.
- Step 3: Man Crates will hook you (or that “guy you know”) up with a custom, hand-written love note from a secret admirer named Chelsea (naturally).
- Step 4: You and your beloved Chelsea live happily ever after – that is, until someone rats you out to Dr. Phil. An no, that person will never be Man Crates. We got your back.
Get to it!