Sound familiar? If it is, you or someone you know may be suffering from Post-breakup Stress or Acute Singleness Disorder.
Acute Singleness Disorder can strike at almost any time, sometimes without warning or even symptoms. That’s why Man Crates is starting the Single Guy Relief Project. Acute Singleness Disorder affects over one billion men in the world with a wide array of debilitating symptoms including but not limited to:
Facial hair growth
Increased profanity on Xbox Live
Increased consumption of vodka, pork rinds and Häagen-Dazs
For just two dollars a day, you can send a single guy of your choice an awesome Man-Crate. Our crates are not a cure for Acute Singleness Disorder, but they do provide a multitude of helpful side-effects that can combat its debilitating symptoms.
Do you know someone that is single? Are they moping about, possibly with a drink in hand, complaining about how February is a season for pink capitalism and chalky heart-shaped lies? Is your friend living on your couch, mourning the (good or bad) days he’s lost with his recently distanced significant other? Remember, Acute Singleness Disorder can affect not only the victim, but those around them as well. Sponsor today, and make someone feel appreciated.
Every new year, I like to look at the upcoming journey around the sun for our planet and make predictions of what I think will happen in the next year that will probably happen again and surprise practically nobody. Here are some of the things I’m guessing are going to happen in no particular order.
1) Even crazier Kickstarter projects
It’s never been easier for your crazy uncle to fund his passion for invention. The full spectrum of ideas, from the incredible Griz Coat to the less enviable realistic dating board game, have their place in this open forum of entrepreneurship. Keep your eyes peeled this year for:
Face recognition bathroom mirrors that highlight acne
Touch screen zippers
Voice activated dog leashes
Bark collars for children
Devices with less-than perfect voice recognition that turn phrases like “Jordan is hilarious” into phrases like “Jordan is a serial killer”
2) The World Will End
Not really, but chances are someone will predict as much and be wrong. I don’t mean to brag but according to Wikipedia I’ve survived almost forty apocalypse predictions. Including the most recent one which had something to do with an ancient civilization whose prime time entertainment involved cutting a dude’s still-beating heart out, I’ve gotten pretty used to the idea that people will predict the end of the world, and out of spite, the world will keep on spinning. But the next apocalypse better have a more interesting movie made about it. The world ending is no excuse for movie makers to slack off!
3) Squirrel-to-the-groin Dance Remix will reach Two Billion YouTube Views
I hate to say it, but humanity loves to mock people who take a good shot to the nuts. Before YouTube existed, we got our dose of humor-on-home-video from television shows that offered money to contestants who not only suffered through getting hit in the nuts, but getting it in the nuts in the most hilarious way possible: by a man in a bunny costume holding a golf club.
Warning- watching this video may reduce your sperm count.
While these shows still exist, far more people just post it on you tube, allowing the countless masses to enjoy the free hilarity of watching your chances of fathering children drop. If anything, the fact that humor is becoming so available gives me the most hope for the future out of anything on this list.
4) Peter Jackson directs Snakes on a Plane 2 in 3 epic parts.
How many times have you seen a movie trailer and said to yourself “Hey look, another mediocre superhero movie.” Have you ever cringed at a trailer for a sequel that shouldn’t exist? It seems that movie makers don’t believe in a good movie that doesn’t have a terrible postmortem money grab attached.
There are several perks that come with being the Deputy Communications Czar for Man Crates:
The glory of working alongside the rest of the team to reclaim manly gift giving
Newfound respect from living creatures near me
15% increase in beard growth
A complimentary man crate
Recently I got to experience the last of that list. The process was awesome from beginning to end, and I’m here to tell you about it. After my research on the subject I’ve concluded that the unboxing process of a Man Crate happens in stages.
The first stage came when my crate got here. I had known of its impending arrival, and all week, I could feel the air around me collect extra static electricity as if nature itself was buzzing with excitement. Nestled inside a cardboard box with an eager crowbar waiting on top was the rough wooden crate itself.
The card on top reads “If at first you don’t succeed, pry and pry again.” This was equal parts instructional riddle and taunt.
The second and arguably most rewarding stage in getting a Man Crate is opening the thing. When I picked up the crowbar, what I was doing felt right. It was liberating, as if years of gifts in shiny wrapping paper or shrink wrap was finally coming to an end. I was free, and that liberation let me get to work.
Opening the crate was just as much fun as exploring its contents later. It wasn’t easy, and it shouldn’t have been. I spent some time fitting the crow bar into the seam between lid and crate body, and pried like mad. After a while, I managed to have a single small gap in which I could get the right leverage, and as if expecting me, the crate resisted no longer.
From the moment I could see inside the crate I felt again that this was right somehow. There wasn’t a single piece of pastel colored tissue paper and not one shred of basket grass. Packed in plain brown paper and expertly placed in the box was its contents.
I had been asked what kind of crate I wanted but I had been indecisive. I couldn’t choose between the Whiskey Lover’s Crate, and the Zombie Survival Crate. They apparently took this as a challenge and gave me a bit of both. This served two purposes: first to put on a grin that didn’t fade for the rest of the night, and the more practical purpose of giving me a variety of stuff to talk about in this blog post.
The first thing I saw was the Zombie Survival Guide. I’d read it before when I’d found it at the local library, but having my own copy made me feel much more ready about a hypothetical zombie apocalypse scenario. Also in the crate was the Gator Machete Junior from Gerber. That too would be added into my “In Case of Zombies Break Glass” case.
Included from the Whiskey lover’s crate were a pair of laser-etched whiskey glasses and a stainless steel flask. The flask had been wrapped in paper with the words “Hail to the Czar” written on it. The friendly touch made me smile even more. The laser etchings on the glasses and flask look brilliant. It adds a custom touch to an already fine set of gear. When the zombies are taken care of, I can sit back and have an extra-classy sip of whiskey from these puppies.
Like I said before, the crate looked like a team of expert Tetris players had fit each item in the most perfect way possible. No crackers were crushed, no glass was broken, it all looked pristine, and delicious. The Jerky was the first thing I noticed, and designated it as TBD (that’s To Be Devoured). The brands I got were new to me, but they were both great. I know I’m definitely a fan of Sweet Chipotle Krave Jerky.
For the rest of the night, I enjoyed the contents of my crate. I had a nice drink from one of the glasses, read a bit of the Zombie Survival Guide, and ate some jerky. It was very relaxing and an experience I will never forget.
I am Jordan Johnson, the new Deputy Communications Czar (DCC) for Man Crates. This month, we here at Man Crates are giving our contribution to a culture devoted to ass-kicking, domination, and furious button pushing. I am speaking of course, of the new Pro Gamer crate.
I am a gamer. I have been destroying competition and burning through single-player campaigns since I was old enough to stomp minions and rescue princesses that are always in other castles. I have devoted much of my life to the warrior’s code that is being a gamer, and this last month has been dominated by a single title: Borderlands 2.
While I enjoy hopping into the occasional multiplayer server and inciting colorful vocabulary from children across the globe, to me the ideal game experience is sitting down with a couple friends, and throwing legendary amounts of lead and explosives at hordes of foes. A game that provides an interesting challenge, a healthy dose of humor and almost more guns than we know what to do with, Borderlands 2 jumped straight to the top of my most played list this fall. I’ve bought the season pass, thereby assuring myself a constant stream of hilarity, action, and fun for my friends and I for time yet to come. Besides, the fiance (That’s right, ladies, I’m taken.) loves the game as well, and any game where we get to dominate together is a win-win.
I know there’s the whole stereotype of gaming with your lady being a hassle, but I think Borderlands 2 is a great way to spend time with her. Any co-op game is great for couples as far as I’m concerned. As we run through countless battles with hundreds of enemies, we become an unstoppable team. Also she’s a terrifying sniper who could give Simo Häyhä a run for his money. When I’m sneaking up on a psycho while he’s reciting my favorite Hamlet soliloquy, more often then not, I hear her whisper “Pew!” before the guy’s head explodes in a gratifying display of pixilated gore.
As I stand over the corpse of the nameless NPC, I always look over at her proud grin and think the same thing: “That is hot.”
For now, this is Deputy Communications Czar signing off. May you all gain glory in the games of your choosing.